RECOMPOSiTiON
SHORT FiLM
We all hold images of ourselves; who we are, what we do, like & hate. Those images can give us strength. Sometimes those images can become a burden, conflicting our sense of self with the actions we take. So focused on developing my technical proficiency, I became a master at putting a lid on my emotions. The plateaus I aimed for now reached, I desperately turned towards introspection. Looking back at ‘RECOMPOSiTiON’ I maybe should have done this bit earlier because, well, I think the piece says a lot already.
Let’s turn back the clock a bit. Born an outsider to fashion, and naive in mind, I was drawn to the sense of cool that clothes, editorials and fashionable people promised. Having spent the last few years in and around Central Saint Martins and London’s fashion industry by extension, the theatre broke down very quickly, as I saw behind the curtain. Illusions turned to somber realities. Status, greed and commerce once nudged at my ego but in the face of my own mortality, these things become meaningless, a waste of time and effort.
In 2008 fashion photographer Nigel Shafran released a collection of work titled ‘Compost Pictures’, by far my favourite work of his. Not only does it fit the time period, but it reminds me of what’s certain in life; my own gradual decomposition. It became the foundation to my piece.
An unease of not feeling in the right place has been with me since I was a child. Attempting to find a place within fashion definitely amplified those emotions. Not having a sensible direction and being conflicted, knowing what I don’t want but having to make money, seeing my actions contrast my feelings, has been difficult to navigate. The unease had to leave my system if I ever want to grow from it. Only through composting what does not serve me in my journey, am I able to grow beyond it. The work started to take form; a self-portrait on paper.
Between composition and composting is space that has to be closed. Thinking of moving my image, transposing my self onto new fertile ground led me towards the final step of the piece. A film emerged.
Nigel Shafran never fully abandoned fashion, but leaving it for other things allowed space for reflection. When we are too stuck in a bubble we stop seeing the forest, just some trees, becoming rigid and unoriginal. Attachment to self, even if stemming from confusion or pain, can grow strong. My steps towards recomposition therefore were hard, but necessary for growth. I don’t really plan to leave for good either, and have accepted that navigating imperfect systems leads to imperfect actions, and a lot of emotional turmoil.
However, I think it is healthy for our sense self to decompose every now and then. To make room for new things. We might grow into the same thing we were before, as we may never be able to escape or change who we truly are. But maybe not, and something new blossoms. Either way we always have the ability to decompose again and again. Now carrying a sense of relative serenity, I sit back and watch the soil, patiently.