We all hold images of our selves; who we are, what we do, like & hate. Those images can give us strength. Sometimes those images can become a burden, conflicting our sense of self with the actions we take.
So focused on developing my technical proficiency, I became a master at putting a lid on my emotions. The plateaus I aimed for now reached, I desperately turned towards introspection.
For uni I had to create a work based on ex-fashion photographer Nigel Shafran. After his departure from the circus, he released a collection of work titled ‘Compost Pictures’, by far my favourite work of his. It reminds me of what’s certain in life; my own gradual decomposition. The theatre breaks down quickly, when you see behind the curtain. In the face of my own mortality, these things become meaningless, a waste of time and effort. Where to now then?
An unease of not feeling in the right place has been with me since I was a child. Attempting to find a place within fashion definitely amplified those emotions.
Not having a sensible direction and being conflicted, knowing what I don’t want but having to make money, seeing my actions contrast my feelings, has been difficult to navigate.
Unease has to leave my system if I ever want to grow from it. Only through composting what does not serve me in my journey, am I able to grow beyond it.
Between composition and composting is space that has to be closed.
When we are too stuck in a bubble we stop seeing the forest, just some trees, becoming rigid and unoriginal.
Attachment to self, even if stemming from confusion or pain, can grow strong. I think it is healthy for our sense self to decompose every now and then. To make room for new things.
We might grow into the same thing we were before, as we may never escape who we truly are. Regardless, the possibility is there, something new might blossoms unexpectedly.
Either way we always have the ability to decompose again and again.
Carrying a sense of serenity, I sit back and watch the soil, patiently.
